you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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