I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
