wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
