I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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