this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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