She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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