someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Nicole vs. Life
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
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