I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
