I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
