last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
