I am spending my child support on dildos
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
