I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I am spending my child support on dildos
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Randomize
