my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
