Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
