omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
