I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
