You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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