Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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