I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
my being single is dangerous.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
