Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Did you pee in the oven last night??
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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