my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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