she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
