I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
