The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
