my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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