If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
