jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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