I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
