dude i'm inner monologue high
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
