i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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