my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
