Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
