Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
