I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
40s are totally the cure
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
