genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
