I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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