No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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