I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
