so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
