I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
