you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
