bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
