I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Fuck me I smell like cheese
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
