the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
