You just made me feel so damn special
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
