i think my mom watched the whole time
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
