Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
