i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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