I think I won the penis lottery.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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