It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
