I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I still have a little drunk in my system
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
